late for exam (fight w Alex) & therapy

#mum #pblmate #uni #arthur

First I was at a hostel having a sleepover with secondary school classmates. It was midnight. I was wearing my formal outfit from the day so I needed to go home to fetch my pajamas and my next day outfit. I was thinking of going home or not and eventually I went back (to the old address). Mum was washing clothes in the sink. I think we had an argument but I couldn't recall clearly. Then I went back to the hostel and arrived at a little bit past 4am.

I needed to have an exam at 10:30 so after a quick sushi party I rushed out to go back to sassoon road to take the exam. I was pretty annoyed when I almost took the wrong strap bag with me cuz it was not efficient of me. The wrong one was my small black usual strap bag while the correct one was an old white cylinder shaped strap bag, with riolu inside.

Before leaving the hostel, we needed to name our takeaways from this visit and it was very difficult since I didn't really learn any and you can't overlap with others, luckily I got a storybook published by the hostel and eventually I got two takeaways from it. Also I spent some time to search for my diary which I thought I misplaced in the hostel rooms, but it was in my strap bag the whole time. (I think there was a short clip where I had to go back to K Town to grab my diaries and ride the metro back, and the two friends behind me couldn't get on while only I can and I felt slightly guilty but I thought it was actually not what I can do)

I arrived at the exam an hour late, and the tutor waited for me to start the exam. Alex was angry because the test was just 10 MCQs and he had to wait for an hour. The tutor put the stack of Q&A sheets on the table and asked us to take one each. I asked Benson next to me, and Monica opposite to me if they could lend me answers to copy or could I just look at them to copy, they seemed ambivalent to that. Alex took the whole stack to hand out to everyone except me. I asked him to give me one but he ignored me. I loudly yell I don't have one, I need one. Alex had started answering the questions. I think Kelvin had tried to separate the extra sheet under his Q&A sheet but Alex was grabbing the papers tight so Kelvin gave up. I also raised my voice to ask the tutor to give one extra to me but the tutor said there were no extras/ she wasn't gonna help me. I felt really angry at Alex and I could feel my whole body was heating up and I'm turning red. I shouted and argued with Alex. And I also thought Benson could feel my anger too.

Anyways Alex continued to indulge in the MCQs and answer them very quickly. Seeing him, the rest of the group also started answering the questions. I felt very frustrated so I took my light blue pen (my only pen) and reached out and scribbled on Alex's paper (and drew a giant cross on his answers). Alex said that's not gonna stop him, I'm the fault. I was very irritated so I drew a deep straight line on his forearm. Then he fought back by drawing also a deep straight line on my forearm using his black pen. I thought I was going very hard on his forearm but when he was drawing me, I hardly feel any pain, or anything at all.

I sat back down at my empty table, looking at my trembling hands. And regretted if I cut deeper in my forearm last night and draw some blood, perhaps he could see me as crazy and I can defend myself better. But on another thought, he might call the security and psych unit to drag me away from the scene since the wounds would deem me mentally unstable.

Eventually when people were leaving, the tutor gave me a stack of tiny memo papers with hand written questions for me to answer individually. The tutor was quite patient in going through the questions with me, but I was quite impatient starting in Q2-3 because I was already late for Arthur's session. (the starting time should be the original ending time of the exam) At the end of the exam, I checked and I was already like only having 10 mins remaining for the session. I was really unhappy. I was in sassoon 3 1/F junction and met Arthur, along with Heather and a few others from our group. Arthur dialed a call and told (prob his sister) in english that he just found out his 90-year-old grandma had an affair outside and they had a 21-year-old daughter! Heather overheard and yelled, WHAT? He also babbled in another brief phone call about hooking up with clients, and I was thinking I hope the next person would be me.

I continued my way to the therapy room but I looked back and saw Arthur signalling me to come. There wasn't much time and we two were going to get food down the escalator at the McDonald's while he started asking me how's my week.

classy bday dinner

#secschool #jy interesting combo (6-person table): [ Arthur, Jasmine W, Cherris Y ] [ me, (i forgot), Charlotte C ]

Cherris and Charlotte were the two birthday girls Cherris had a fancy mango birthday cake. I'd describe it as “designer-style”. Same went for Charlotte with a blue birthday cake which looked very dope. Jasmine introduced Cherris' cake for us. She mentioned it was designed by JY. (She actually pronounced the full name in the dream). I immediately felt a bit uncomfortable and a bit queasy while holding my fork, and my hands were a bit numb, shakey and uncontrollable when I was trying to hold a knife and swap my utensils around while listening. I looked up to see if Arthur noticed, but I couldn't tell. Actually I didn't think he immediately realised that's the name. Yet I comforted myself saying perhaps he pretended he didn't notice because they didn't know about the therapy.

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arthur being disappointing in general

#arthur

I was having a classy lunch at my faculty (kinda like high table dinner but not exactly) and Arthur came to my table. He sat down and we were chatting (in a therapy way, not a casual way).

And then a small kid came and asked for my phone for him to play. I firmly said, No! But then Arthur took my phone and gave it to the kid. I was pretty upset. Then he spent his time on the kid and some other errands (e.g. replying his research students) he had. He was apologetic but I was very disappointed because this was meant to be my session.

He later went to a small lecture theatre to meet up with his research students to discuss on their projects. I followed him to stare at him. He was marking stuff for his students at the back of the classroom. He apologetically told me he would mark mine soon (as I handed in mine previously but he was marking and returning stuff students just gave him). I saw his handwriting was kinda familiar. The way he wrote english was like Beatrice’s, kinda regular and obedient. The style he wrote his chinese was like me but slightly messier since he was in a hurry. He was writing 煩躁 in a sentence and he got slightly annoyed by the many 口s in the 品 part of 躁. I laughed and told him I got annoyed at the same part too!

And then I still kept on staring at him until I felt like I had some other things to do so I left the small lecture theatre.

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almost raped by dad + chased in mall

#dad #mum #jy #claudia

what the fuck is this dream

In the dream, I was napping on my bed (same bedroom setting as irl) naked when I felt someone putting his hands on my chest. It held my breasts tighter and tighter and I began to feel uncomfortable by the touch. I then listened to my surroundings and heard someone breathing behind me/ next to me on my bed. I assume it was mum. I wasn't too bothered until I heard another person's breathing sounds coming from the side of the bed and it seemed like it was from the one groping my chest.

Then I heard the “presumably mum” person spoke. Her voice was mum's indeed. She was whispering to the groping guy about something. It occurred to me that they were planning for the groping guy to rape me. Thinking “no way, I was already raped by jy _{(I thought so in the dream)}, I don't want to be raped again”, I opened my eyes in shock and saw dad naked with just his boxers, and his dick was out. Mum and him noticed I was awake. Dad hurriedly tried to shove his dick back into his boxers. I saw his dick and it was dark in colour. He tried to explain he didn't do anything bad to me.

Later I went out from home to a mall. I saw a policewoman and reported on dad. As I was explaining to the lady what had happened, I saw my parents from afar, staring and shaking their heads in disapproval. Later I went to shop in the mall and saw Claudia walked past from afar. I tried to chase after her to say hi because I haven't seen her for a long time, but she was too quick, and I arrived at the ladies clothes department. There was an event starting at the department, which was a chase game. And I was getting chased by two girl Caucasian teenagers. I tried to change my outfit using the clothes there but I could only get rid of them for like a few seconds until they found me to be very suspicious for running around and realising I was the prey again.

_{Anyways today I felt incredibly awkward seeing my parents. oh my god I hate this dream what the actual fuck is this okay i suspect it was because two days ago I read a lecture about child (physical, sexual, psychological) abuse, and also had a realisation after gossiping with friends that quite a few male friends who were interested in my cooking and recipes were just trying to hook up with me and my disappointment was immeasurable and my day is ruined the only thing I was satisfied in the dream is that I was proactive and comfortable in reporting the incident to the authority.}

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petting birds

I followed a local tour guide on the street and he led me to a bird showcase shop thingy. There were many warbling white-eyes in traditional chinese cages. I invited one to my hand and it perched on my finger. I touched it gently and it was very fluffy and feathery. It likes my touch too I think, as it didn't fly away. I pet it for a little bit long time and there was a flock of yellow-crested cockatoo which flew and perched at the side ledges of the shop. One of them was curious of me/ the bird on my hand and I think it was a bit jealous of the touch and a bit impatient and hoped I would touch it instead.

tutorial again

Med tutorial in my bedroom. Specifically, on my bed. I was late to the tutorial. I entered the room and saw Audrey and the rest of my group. Audrey was answering the questions and then the tutor noticed me so they started asking me instead, and I answered them while I took a seat next to Audrey (at my pillow area).

Later I looked into the direction I'd like to sit, (around where I piled my notebooks and stuff by the window), and I saw Kim C sitting there, without glasses, and she looked quite bored. Next to her closer at my side was Alex.

And then the dream ended

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_{I am so bored to type all my dreams out they are quite uneventful, which was actually lowkey nice as they don't drain my energy for the day as much. I hope my future dreams are as stress-free and simple as the bird-petting one lol}

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FPA at Shenzhen

#charlotteh

I was attaching a doctor at a clinic in Shenzhen. It was a FPA (family practitioner attachment) visit. At the entrance, I met with a student from another school and i am year 3. There were quite some patients outside the clinic entrance, so we became receptionists to distribute slips of paper with numbers to queue for the doctor Later doctor finish a part of her work and came out of her office room. She was a little chubby. She reminds me of the doctor with the same name as me for my class last Friday.

We followed her and entered the room, which turned out to be a hall. Walking down the hall, I asked the student what year she was in and she told me she is currently year 1. I reassured her I was year 3 and I still don't know much so we were both in this together. We became friends!

I glanced across the hall, and there were many other med student in white coats as well, already seated in the front row. There were quite a number of citizens seated at the back too. I suspect this was a seminar/ health talk so everyone was invited. I noticed Charlotte H also seated in the front when I was walking past to get seats with the y1 girl. After placing down my things such as slips of paper and my ipad, I went to her and mingled a bit excitedly.

Soon, the doctor announced break was over, and I went back to my seat. And then the doctor demonstrated how to give IV drip and insert a peripheral line And she say her nickname is 打豆天父.

_{And then I woke up to whatsapp messages from my groupmates telling me class ended early and I didn't need to come (bc I was always unpredictably late). I felt incredibly smart for my decision to sleep in and skip class, but I also felt lowkey bad for missing out ??}

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bringing sister to carnival + beating a Karen

#relative

I was at a carnival/ amusement park. I brought my younger sister/ aunt's daughter to a shop within the park. It was an ice-cream shop. In the dream she looked 10-12 years old.

I held hands with my sister as we moved along the line. I asked my sister, did you bring any cash for your ice-cream? She said yes. I said nice, and it's good that you are spending your budget today wisely and responsibly on things you'd like to enjoy. I felt proud of my sister for her spending habits, she wasn't spending a ton and begging me for money, she is using her own savings appropriately.

Later I forgot what caused it (idk if she insulted the guy who was the staff for scooping the ice-cream or my sister) but I was fighting physically with a Karen who was acting like an asshole in front of the ice-cream counter where we pick flavours. I think I was pushing, pulling, yanking, hitting and kicking this middle-aged Karen/ 大媽, and I won. I felt very proud, lol.

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escape from police

this was in the same metropolis/ dream map as that dream where I retried the beginning and continued the plot with escape themes. (perhaps it's the ocean park halloween dream??)

this time I was being chased as a criminal I think. And I was running away from the police. I dashed at the gliding speed I had in childhood through a mall and out onto the streets, when I thought I could hide in a coffee shop (the Amsterdam ones) and so I went into one, and dashed up the stairs and found a little spot at the attic. (idk when but I got a crowd of tiny animals to take care of and I escorted all of them here especially one that I treasured the most, which looked kinda like Riolu ngl). I just crouched at my little space by the wall while looking at the other tables of people enjoying their joint or whatever. Then I heard the police was coming, so I brought my animals and dashed out. Outside was the rooftop so I sort of soared down and entered another mall but was caught by a police. The police stopped me and handed me a can of compressed air. In the dream I knew it was nitrous oxide. The police let me choose if I hold it and inhale it by myself. (Again in the dream I knew if I do so, I can die.)

I was aware I was suicidal, but I rejected the police's idea. (Thinking back it was mainly because I was feeling I was on a chase and I was escaping so it felt wrong to suicide here?) Then the police took the can and sprayed it onto my face. Again I could choose to inhale it, but I held my breath in the dream and attempted to run away.

I forgot the rest but I think I was still on the chase/ got caught.

_{(After waking up I thought about it for quite a long time. I wondered why I didn't carry on with either the active or passive suicide options in the dream, when I was planning in real life... I don't know)}

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LV factory exploded

So I got a chance to visit a factory+warehouse specialised in LV bags, along with some other miscellaneous cheap kids products (glittery schoolbags etc) and camping equipment area at the back

While walking into the factory, I was kinda stunned by the large selection of LV goods they had in display all the way along the entrance, like a giant IKEA storehouse.

I glanced at the kids section and walked past since I had no interest. I walked deeper to the camping gear parts. They were under the MUJI brand so the design of the shelves there were wooden

I saw a biiiggg arrow (length >1.5m) on the floor, with a bit of smoke. It was left by a pair of couple who just finished playing with it and the guy dumped it onto the floor. I asked a store assistant what’s that, and he said it was the friction it had when dropping onto the floor which made it kinda spark and hissed, since it was an explosive arrow actually.

He said he needed to sort out the arrows by unwrapping the protective paper around the explosive part, which require meticulous effort, and once it was removed, the arrows were safe. (It made sense in the dream)

I chimed in to help. Together we started slowly unwrapping the paper covers. Unfortunately I accidentally twisted one wrapping too quickly and the arrow started hissing, and generated a spark. I raised my voice a bit to let the store assistant know about it, “oh shit, it’s sparking”, I said.

I was in a dilemma because if I drop it, the drop would made it react even more and become flames. Also, the whole shelf was full of arrows and I would made a huge fire in the factory. But I didn’t want my mistake to be catastrophic so I was thinking of holding it for as long as possible.

Just at this time, the arrow started to create a small flame. The store assistant yelled, “drop it! Drop it! You will die!”

I dropped it onto the floor and it created a pretty medium sized flame (diameter around 0.7m but quick spreaded to the whole length of the arrow)

I looked at the store assistant and I knew he was feeling he was in big trouble and would definitely lose his job. I asked him, “what to do now??” I was planning to put off the fire and perhaps ask him or any unaware passerby to fetch me a fire extinguisher.

He looked at me sternly and said, “RUN!!!”

So we ran and yelled very loudly to tell everyone to evacuate. We started hearing the hissing and popping of the arrows on the shelf, but we didn’t dare to look back or else we wouldn’t have time to escape.

In seconds, we heard more explosions. I felt quite guilty, but not very much because the arrows were arranged poorly at first place and I didn’t start the fire in malice. I also kind of realised this was a dream so I didn’t overburden myself with the guilt.

While running, I suddenly recalled my phone and airpods were charging at a plug at the children’s section, so I told the store assistant to run for his life while I took a quick turn to grab my phone, airpods, passport and charger. Then I quickly ran out while alerting the people at the kid’s section.

During the final dash, as I took a final look at the LV bags, I mourn for the about-to-be-lost bags, thinking some do worth a lot to be placed at this warehouse and it’s quite a pity.

Once I got out of the factory, I reunited with the store assistant at a safe spot afar from the factory. We saw huge explosions at the entrance of the factory and people flung into the sky by the explosion. I felt terrible.

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In a brighter note, once I woke up I remembered I dreamt of this setting before as well, which was an uneventful nightmare (in terms of I can’t remember much except from lingering at the camping gear area and I felt bad afterwards). Therefore, if I blew up the whole thing, I won’t dream it ever again. Yay!! Bad news is I am having a fever now :((

Also speaking of sparks, it reminded me of the sparks in this dream back in 1 May 2024.

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self-harm talk w therapist n friends

#T #arthur #pblmate #charlottec #mum

In master bedroom of old home Mum wanted to drag me out of bed to have lunch Me hugging blanket and didn’t want to Leg was a bit painful and itchy from her pull and poking I finally used my foot and pushed her out of room and locked the door I checked my legs and were full of red tiny scratches I sat by the window and looked down (just look, no suicidal ideation) I phoned the office and chatted with Ming

I got down and met up with Alex and Monica where we go for a walk, and we also met Ming We walked tgt and they chatted with me Monica shows me her healing/ healed scars on her forearm and I took a close look. _{(I suspect this triggered me and I was in a terrible mood for the whole day and relapsed)}

When we were returning and after crossing a street we found a little pop up booth distributing candies by the brand of Orange. We got our packs of candies and I started eating. (Actually the candies looked like pills and I feel like as if I am overdosing.) Arthur walked to the booth as well in an orange tshirt, I laughed at him for the orange tshirt but I didn’t tell him it was because he looked like a mannings employee. He was chill and just shrugged lol.

Walking back I received messages in a WhatsApp group chat of me, Charlotte C and Monica. Monica wanted to self harm. So I shared some reasons of why I didn’t want to and methods I used when the urges come, hopefully she can try them out or develop more of her own.

me as babyish newbie at office

Wore pajamas and carrying piles of stuff in a very clunky manner to my new seat. Everyone was wearing suits and working elegantly in this gigantic office, almost the size of one floor of shopping mall.

I was moving my stuff and saw a vibrator on the floor, it was mine but I didn’t dare to pick it up or else they know it would be mine. I felt awkward walking by in my pink pajamas and seeing that pink vibrator bc it made it obvious that it’s mine

Anyways after moving my piles of machines..?? I went back to the spot and the vibrator disappeared. Later people were gossipping about the mysterious vibrator, who brought their vibrator to work and who was so horny. Alex also brought up this topic to me and I told him it was actually mine lmao.

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using wrong id to cross border

#mum To shenzhen book city Mum took two id cards out, one is hers one is her friend’s because she helped her friend to set up her id so she kept it. The customs took her friend’s id and asked why she looked different and some detailes about her last departure at an odd time at night. I was getting annoyed by the long interrogation and waiting time so I just took mum’d id and gave it to the customs, wanting to let her know that this is the correct id. (Actually either way it will be weird because how come you have your friend’s id). But then the customs thought i was showing my id, so I immediately passed with my mum’s id. I felt nervous when my mum was still stuck there and I am passing as my mum’s identity with a larger age But luckily later mum got past i think But the next station is body check and scanning items and they’re checking our ids again

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