unhinged driving

#relative #mum It was at night when the sky was fully dark but there were still quite many cars on the road, flashing their red taillights as we were stuck in traffic. I was supposed to drive but I was a bit scared bc the road is in Shanghai and I was unfamiliar with it so aunt Helen wanted to demonstrate and mum let her. But Helen drove like crap and we almost fell off the highway bridge multiple times because she wasn't driving straight. (Wait actually we did fall off, but landed on the supporting arc of the bridge ?? So basically a narrower road and me and mum were yelling anxiously to Helen to drive straight for real or else we would actually fall into the sea) Everything was bumpy too. The next round mum wanted to “serve” her justice? So it became her turn to drive and I needed to wait again. But she drove very fast, although we didn't fall off the bridge. Quite unsafe and I was scared. She was using the size of our big car to dive into other's lines without being scared at all so her success rate was 100%. I figured out how come she was so dominant and it would always work for her.

Then it finally became my turn to drive. I drove slower and wanted to turn on the lights so I was figuring out because mainland car driver's seat was in the left side rather than right side. And mum just switched it on instantly. And I also used the signal lights to cut lines etc. I was driving safely but the road after the highway was actually bumpy as fuck and I was driving with horses that are on the road so the road was very rural. So I was driving super slowly. But eventually I finished my round.

_{(Perhaps driving almost outside the bridge was literally because of the recent news about how a plane landed at the airport but drove off into the sea, and the simulated graphics on the news were still kinda vivid in my mind)}

pbl driving

#uni I was waiting in the hospital along with my bedside group for the start of attachment. We were quite bored and Monika asked me where I bought my pokemon plushies. I listed three places for her: the first one was a small dark shopping mall we went together and saw the coin slot game machines _{(in a previous dream today)(but I didn't write here because it became a fragment)}; the other place would be also that shopping mall but the very other end of it on the ground floor where all the delicate boutiques were but they would be more pricey _{(visited this in an old dream i think perhaps I have recorded it in this site) (this shopping mall overall was in one of my another old dream too about a zombie apocalypse but I'm not sure if I recorded it either)}; the last site would be a small upstairs store i think

And then Benson suggested let's play a racing game with horses, so we took turns going out of the hospital and rode the horses, and the route was almost identical to the unhinged driving dream, but I recalled the highway part less and more riding on the horsey rough road. I was the last to go and initially I had a game tee by the horse game that was hanging on the hospital walls opp to where we were sitting and standing, but when it became my turn I gave my tee to Benson.

My horse was ridiculously tiny compared to others + my groupmates, so it was difficult for me to climb the slope on the rough hilly road. But mum appeared on another horse and told me I can press B and make the horse jump. I figured I can press space for the same function too. Anyways I got past it and returned to the hospital after my round, which I didn't feel complete because I felt my round was cut to half but I wasn't sure where I could ride a complete path. I went back and they (esp Benson) were like oh the doctor hasn't come yet, how about you play more bc my round seemed pretty short compared to them, so I said sure I was thinking about the same thing. And then I did one more of that half round and came back.

Benson returned my game tee but he modified the patterns a bit, the game characters had slightly different facial features and it was hilarious. I took that tee.

nap with pokemon in small room

_{Wasn't sure the sequence of the dreams (idk if it happened before the first dream or here), so I put it here}

I was back inside my room aka the third place where I told Monika where my pokemon were from (lol), and it was a very damp, small and dark room. I miss my Feraligatr from a cardboard box by my bed so I took it out and put it beside me. _{(tbh I think I dreamt it bc I just saw the ZA new megas and this toilet bowl pokemon blew my mind)} I checked what other pokemons were in the two cardboard boxes by my bed, they were the ones I just bought but not enough love to put them onto the bed, and they were all lizards and dragons, so I wondered oh wow I had a preference to these kind of animals. I hugged my pokemons (including Feraligatr and Riolu and others- prob Salamence) to sleep.

almost losing PE bag omw to school

#secschool #primschool (The school feels like secondary school bc of the workload and plot, but my body, mentality and my friend’s were like primary students…)

omw to school and almost late, I was holding my PE bag on my hand which had my sports clothes and shoes, while carrying my schoolbag on my back, typical to every PE class I had every week in primary/ secondary school. Then on the way I met a (dream) friend and we chatted about the school timetable because it was too chaotic recently with many school event and day offs so we didn't exactly know which day of the cycle was today. We both felt a bit relieved when we found out we were just randomly packing our schoolbags for today lmao.

Then I realised my PE bag was missing from my hand. I was worried and started to think where had I put it, but I had no time to double check my schoolbag if I put it inside because I was running late. My friend seemed concerned and we were looking on the previous roads while we were heading to school. But we couldn't see it.

So I went to school, and was telling my parents on whatsapp on the phone about the seemingly lost bag. Then I opened my backpack and found out I had already packed the PE bag inside previously somehow, and it was found again.

first cedars counselling

• this is fake dream cedars

In the dream uni the school thought I had some mental needs so they told me to go to the counselling team and it was a mandatory order. So I climbed up the stairs to a higher floor where their office should be, but it directed it down to the lower floor where the entrance was. There was a few questionable signs in front of the entrance. The signs were just floor directories for their office, but then the words were like xx /F: triaging, intake and baptism ; xx /F: counselling rooms and prayer rooms etc. and the bottom was a line from those teachings aka a “Bible-like verse??”, so they made it super religious and I didn't like it. So I was selfie-ing with the signs and posted on my public ig story with a qna button, and the auto prompt kind of suited my scenario, so although I was a bit hesitant in posting that, I still did it. The prompt was: What should you say to a person who was suicidal?

Anyways I went inside and saw a white square sofa with a thick airy white blanket so I lied inside and napped, but I saw people queuing up for something, so later I joined the queue and it was the triaging place.

A staff directed me to another spacious room where we wait after triaging (their triage was basically recording your name and DoB and idk perhaps faculty/ degree program). The staff was confirming names with others at the table and one of the boy had an identical chinese name to me, and the staff introduced me to the boy and told us we could chat together. At the table Brian was sitting too.

Waited for not very long time when a male counsellor led me to his room on another floor via stairs. He started talking really boring shit like exercise and health and whatnot. This has been going on for like 15 mins and we were watching a documentary about how cells replicate their DNA...... and then another video comparing the prevalence of occupational osteoarthritis with other shit. _{(This video was shot on a bus, and somehow the dream technology also enabled us to be immersed in the video and riding a bus while learning that)} And he told me I can do an assignment project on that public health topic. And at this point I thought this was way beyond boring as a counselling session, so I told him actually I am a medical student and I have already learnt it. And about the comparing prevalence rate, I have already done it before at school. He didn't believe I did that exact thing, because the topic was original and made by the cedars (main campus counselling team). And I said no, it was really identical. It was legit the topics mentioned by the Department of Health in a leaflet before. He asked when did I do it. I said probably primary. He answered it make sense then.

He stopped the video, and back into the office environment he was sitting by my side on the right. Then I said he was quite boring and he wasn't really counselling. (sth like that) And he told me to look at his (hand? forgot). I looked. And then he told me to look at his eyes. I looked up and saw his eye was half open and I could only see most of the sclera and little pupil because his eye wasn't opening wide. I became very upset and started to whine into his shoulder. He asked gently what happened, while I continued to shove myself more into his shoulder. I said I couldn't even see your pupil and he was not even looking at me. :( And then I told him he looked and his vibe was a bit like Arthur but he was not. Arthur wouldn't avoid my eyes even if I seldom look at him, but every time I looked he would always look back at me. (Firmly and gently, without wavering and avoiding like this dream guy) :( And then I told him I was actually here because I want to figure out how I can be better in the sessions with Arthur, and open my hearts more and become more authentic during my sessions.

However this cedars policy was a bit interesting in a way that you need to see two different counsellors for 30 minutes and then your whole session would be an hour. This dream therapist seemed hurry and we were running out of time unfortunately, he checked the time and it was past :40 so we ran down the stairs to get back to the initial room (with white sofa) in order to hand me over to the next counsellor. He wrote onto a board about a “discussion topic” seeing counsellor at whatever time. But I was walking towards the triage table to find familiar faces, so I didn't see when he was writing, and I didn't know which line was mine because none really suit me lol I continued sitting while I saw Brian still waiting at that initial table. Then I left and sat on the sofa where the therapist guy discharged me at.

On the sofa I saw a familiar face of a staff woman walking by, my brain said it was someone whose name started with F (like Fiona) but I couldn't make out who was actually this person.

Then I began to imagine what title I should give this dream. (in the dream) My first thought that popped out was “artist uproar” (it made sense in the dream...) and then later I woke up and saw it was almost time for school but I decided to nap a bit more to figure out another topic but this time was even worse “spicy girl and crazy habits”

_{I think I dreamt this “first cedars counselling session” because my friend just went there for her first session two days ago and yesterday me and my other friend were chatting about it with her}

_{And by now I was officially late for school and typing all this out spent another hour and I am still on my bed while the lesson started...... sajhdklsdkfh}

_{So I slept again}

picking cushions

#arthur

I was at a backyard with many grass and some cushions here and there. So I was picking up and collecting the cushions and moving them into the red house. It’s like a little egg hunt. I also found an easter egg (non literal) someone left on the outer wall of the house, behind the decoy I found an B6 celebratory card and a small wooden red block in butterfly shape which should be a toy. I focused on the block so I didn’t read the words written with thick black marker on that card decorated with gold lining.

Then after moving all the pillows I could find, I returned into the house as it was quite sunny outside. When I was walking around and browsing my collection (rectangular pillows, square pillows, special pillows, baby fabric books, kid toys idk just categorised into many open baskets 貨籃? and kind of like IKEA), Arthur came and asked which one have I chosen, and I thought maybe I was supposed to choose a cushion to sit on during my sessions and to decorate my room

He pointed to a star shaped one and asked how about this, I told him that one was too hard to sit on. So he pointed to the few dice cushions next to it. I said they were a bit small but I can try. So I took one and tried to sit on it, but again the material was harder than I expected so it was uncomfortable. But I didn’t have good suggestions either so I just brought it with me.

Dream ended abruptly- I think there was an item I was holding afterwards in the dream which suddenly reminded me of real life, so I just woke.

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meeting wellness team at dining hall; arthur pacifying me after A's provocation

#arthur #T #A

The dining hall is connected to a big supermarket, you need to get pass the supermarket in order to get to where the tables are.

On the way I saw the wellness team walking by, seems like they are having some things going on here (like a booth)

Walked back to wander in the supermarket, when I saw A. I ignored her but I heard she called me. [my name], she called nicely. I turned and saw she holding a piece of patterned clothes thingy, but I can't see clearly because I don't have my glasses. She said, this is for you (sth like that), I think you would like it. I said thanks, and then I stepped closer to see what it was, it was newborn baby clothes. So I continued, but maybe you need it more, how about keeping this for yourself? And then I left

I was very scared if she would be following me so I was looking around vigilantly since then. I was almost there at the dining hall when I encountered A, but I decided to turn back with a different route to find wellness team. I got past the cashier and back to where they were setting up stuff previously. I saw Vincci and Ruth passing by. Ruth had earlobe earrings and I looked closer and saw she actually had 5 piercings on her right ear, and also she had some makeup (black sparkly eyeshadow!!!) on and she looked super hot, and I was breathing heavily haha. But anyways Arthur wasn't here so I walked back to the dining hall where supposedly the rest of the team is meeting schoolmates for briefing/ reg day stuff whatever

I was back and I saw Billy and another lady's table, I originally wanted to go there because at least they are counsellors and are ready, but their table is full, I was creeping and walking alertly the whole time as I was really scared of seeing A. But then they noticed me and pointed me to another table, where I found Arthur and another few unknown therapists are there. There were only a few seats left (I saw monika in one of the seats and some of my younger high school schoolmates on other seats), Arthur was talking to an old man with grey hair, perhaps an invited guest, and I took the remaining empty seat next to an unknown therapist. The unknown therapist seemed to left her bag and left, when I was looking at Arthur.

I guess Arthur saw my troubled face and he came to chat with me. He stood at the back of my chair and I guess he wanted to ask me how I was doing, but the schoolmates were already crowding around me chatting about their issues or whatever, so it wasn't convenient for me and Arthur to have a private chat. Arthur put his hands on my shoulder and I felt very hot and a bit physically thrilled in a pleasant way. But I was still jolty and looking for signs of A. Arthur put his left finger on my lips but I was scared people would see this happening because it wasn't supposed to, so I tried to turn to my right as it was closer to the wall. But he continued touching my lips when I turned back. He also put his finger within my lips and I felt i was beyond wet and weak now. Very intense but seemed the crowd of schoolmates didn't notice our intimacy. And I was still jumpy whenever I see someone who seemed like A in my line of sight. So I wasn't fully in the mood for such intimate actions but I sorta enjoyed it (didn't get wet or really aroused irl this time tho, I just had raised heart beat and feeling flustered) _{(I think I imagined this because I saw a super hot gif *nsfw? of a girl sucking a man's finger on tumblr and I was imagining that as Arthur's hand yesterday)}

school bus adventure on way home

#cecilia #uni #6grass

• nanny van with the auntie from me when I was Primary six

• ordering lunch boxes on van but no one wanted the salmon with white broth (white broth is not yummy irl)– the one sitting next to me asked don't you like salmon lol, I say not with this lunch set

• Went to centennial campus Lg floor/ or did we go separately? We had a lecture and after class me and a few friends like Vienne, and Monika were wearing green gown and discussing where to eat lunch.

• went to a big building as a middle resting point. We were playing in one of the toilets upstairs and cecilia find me making jokes a littttle bit suggestive so she pushed me out of the toilet for fun (we had fun), and then I went to the staircase to check at the irl time with my irl apple watch and found it's time to go to school so now im typing this

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new advisor & back to school

#uni #secschool

• used my skateboard and travelled very fast (on par with/ faster than the speed of other buses) on the street at night near either cwb or tst. i felt a bit free?

• academic advisor:

brief slip about your background (PMH) – i wrote about my PTSD and about to start EMDR soon, along with my suspected BPD

academic advisor is clinical oncologist _{(prob because groupmate shared he wanted to be one bc his dad died of cancer)} I walk up a narrow and weird staircase in a small building like alice in the wonderland to reach this office/ home of the clinical oncologist. the guidelines on the stairs are just red taped lines to tell you not to go past this floor etc but eventually i arrived, and an office lady/ his assistant was there to wait for me, she told me about previewing his room and make sure to lock it before he comes or else hes angry. we looked inside but the oncologist arrived, and he looked mad at the office lady, and she was apologetic and I was very scared and apologised as it was my fault. the oncologist ignored me and and office lady didn't look at me as well, as if she didn't blame me, and then they chatted like normal as if nothing big really happened. the lady told me to enter his room with him, and I went inside and chatted with him

he looked at my slip and asked me to tell him more about my ptsd. I tried to start recalling and narrating the scene (only did a brief description of the surrounding and about to start describing the incident) but I immediately feel (in the dream) that I wasn't automatically doing the dream and I was sort of pulled out and my consciousness has to come in to continue the dream like a lucid dream and i didn't like it. I apologised a bit to the oncologist because I couldn't continue talking about it. He says it is alright and you will have EMDR soon. And he hopes we can get better soon (or similar things like this), and i asked him “we”? and he say yes. So I was thinking if he was saying my unconscious + my conscious self. Then the little academic advising initial meeting ended.

Later I had to grab lunch at the “canteen” but it was the lecture hall. with my friends?? and the ppl in the hall were sitting according to their flats which was according to academic advisor. There’s a lot of people as if it’s induction day but it’s probably not

• meet matthew yip – asked me about my relationship with “her” – i thought he meant our lady but I looked up and saw A instead and i realised he was talking about A, and I said nahhh

• later? went out and saw shuttle bus to penylan from cardiff so i took cuz it looked familar, and after I rode it i found out it was going back to dorm.

• jamie holding my ipad mini and scrolling in my gmail in my very original game email account from junior high school . i was furious and kept scolding her loudly why she did it again, it was not the first time, she was also looking at my gmail when i was back then using ipad air 1 very very angry (but now thinking about it it was A who did it)

_{(ahh im quite anxious for next week's EMDR, it would be my first time doing it. I guess it is because I've finally built a stable enough relationship with my therapist aka trust him enough to allow it to happen. I heard it would be very tiring, but im not sure if it would also be traumatising again, I hope I can still comprehend sentences and not get lost at school after I started it and wouldn't be as bad as the real thing previously)}

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had multiple dreams where I was spending time/ having different classes with my new PBL group for CFB

shisha with friends

#exchange

After class. Went to a bright cafe to shisha w exchangemates _{(well I did went shisha once with one of the girls recently irl)} I picked the flavour for the shisha- a mix of passionfruit and two other fruity flavours (which is the same as irl) I was wondering if Arthur would come shisha with his friends/ colleagues. But I knew it was unlikely because he was a healthy person who did not have such bad habits.

I was having the shisha and chatting with my friends, who was sharing about what areas of the city was safe for citizens because currently we were under attack/ war. She was drawing a map for us to read. Where we currently were was at the city centre & close to the city border which was the right lower corner, where it was relatively safer, with more commercial activities and markets. While the areas further upwards to the left there was a bricked wall commemorating the efforts of the fallen soldiers and citizens, and there was a waterfall to the left of the bricked wall. And that area was very dangerous as it was in the rural areas and the borders with the neighbouring places were unclear, so it was easy for adventurers to be targeted and killed. Also, the areas outside city centre were generally less secure and you would get traced for speaking something wrong/ more controversial.

I closed my eyes to imagine the map, and I didn't know I took a nap until it was almost time to leave. I looked at my shisha which I haven't took much sips of, feeling kind of a pity because I wasted my money lol. But we paid and left the shop happily.

losing slippers after swimming class

#uni

we had a group session and we listened to Calv*n C's big plans about his AI projects and how he made multiple AIs with funny names like DeepSok

later we had a swimming class, and I separated from my PBL group. I chatted with another classmate casually _{(Ir*s who sit in front of me in exam)}, until I reached the pool and we parted ways.

I forgot the middle part of the dream but anyways, I lost my pair of slippers when I finished swimming. And I met with another friend who also lost her pair of slippers. We walked around the pool a bit and she decided to go to citysuper which was directly right of the pool to find her slippers/ buy another pair. I was planning to walk the pool a bit more since we just walked once in one side of the pool, but I decided to follow her. She told me she would just buy a new pair. I was thinking I wouldn't do that because slippers still cost a bit of money and I have not checked thoroughly yet. She went to pay and I went to the discount area. There were a lot of people around the rotating stand where they put a lot of ointments and stuff – like toothpaste, mosquito repellents, soap, wet wipes... And I chatted with a stranger 師奶 about which one had the biggest discount and it was kinda interesting. I didn't buy anything eventually though, and recalled I still needed to find my slippers. I was contemplating if I should also buy a new pair instead.

_{I think I dreamt citysuper because my mum had quite a few vouchers from it and she wanted to give it to me yesterday as she wouldn't use it, but I wouldn't go citysuper either.}

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terrible gigantic argument with mum at wellness team waiting room

#T #mum #secschool

It is my birthday today. I felt a bit bad so I went to sit in the wellness team office. The waiting room was spacious. It was actually a big computer room. I sat there for a long time but couldn’t pacify myself, and my trembles continued, and I was still crying. So Vincci came and check on me. And she gave me a notebook to write what kind of subjects I chose during secondary school. So I listed all 13 from junior high and 7 in senior high. We carried this book with us to our uni entrance, and we sat at the middle of the slope where everyone would walk down to exit school. Ashley walked by and gave me a jellycat peanut keychain as a birthday present. She wished me happy birthday. Then I recalled (knew about in the dream that) it was my birthday. I was very thankful of her for remembering and the birthday wishes and I bursted into tears again. Some other old secondary classmates who also walked by said hi to me. After a quick while Ashley came back and apologetically took away my gift (which weirdly became a white plushy rather than the peanut), saying that she had recognised me wrongly and gifted wrongly. Still crying from receiving the gift, I was a bit sad but thought to myself that it wasn’t a big deal to be sad about yet I sobbed.

I think we went to a supermarket afterwards to check out on desserts yogurt and ice cream. _{(irl yogurt is my mum’s favourite and I’d pick ice cream.)}

Vincci was still next to me and we went back to the waiting room. My mum came to the room as she found out somehow that I would be here. Probably she checked my geolocation or she saw my notebooks, which I was deliberately not writing about therapy most of the time. When she saw me, she looked crossed, but when she saw Vincci beside me, she rose from the stool and put up a smiley face full of gratitude and thank her for taking care of me. I was angry and loudly told her to stop being so fake and put on a show when she dislike student wellness team _{(idk if she does irl but very likely, if she knows about it)}. So she scolded me back for wasting time talking to strangers and trusting them. That I was a total letdown and I couldn’t even study properly. I was furious and upset so I also stood and yelled at her telling her that she didn’t even understand how come my study is so bad, she never asked about my mental health and she ignored all the issues that I presented at home and those I told her about. She knew that my mind was so bad I was lost at school. I couldn’t even recall important stuff about myself. That I was in my room abnormally moody and I only showered every five days. I was yelling at her and getting very irritated every day and I never smiled but she didn’t even think anything beyond that! She only cared about the results I bring forward. But it was never me.

When she heard me yelling and screaming at her, it triggered her and she also yelled back with such explosive temper like usual.

At the midst of our argument, I also yelled at Vincci in frustration to see how me and my mum are both double-faced with such dramatic emotions. (To clarify the loudness is simply because I was arguing and I wouldn’t randomly speak in a low tone to another person. Not that I have beef with Vincci)

I’m too tired to write down our arguments, and I couldn’t remember them anyway. But we had a terrible big loud argument and my voice was coarse again. But it still did not reach her.

_{Maybe Arthur is right about I shouldn’t be expecting from my parents as we knew how they’re like. But I am lonely in this little place which is supposedly home.}

post exam driving

#uni

During exchange, I went to a distant place to have an exam, so a prof drove me there. On the way back I drove a part of the highway back with my riolu on my lap, and Cecot in backseat lol. But I got distracted by it after a pause of waiting other cars to pass- as in I forgot to start driving again and I became too focused on my doll. So Cecot said he would drive it and I sit at the back. Reluctantly (because I like driving), we swapped seats. When we reached the urban streets, I asked if I could try to drive. He said “you need more experience to handle the road.” I’m like ok Then I asked “how can I train my attention as I couldn’t see the rest of my vision if I look at the lane in front of me,” He replied, “by training.” I was left speechless because he wasn’t answering me. Maybe he was annoyed by my previous mistake of not focusing on the road. But I asked, “training?” in hopes of clarification. And he said “yes.” … so I asked “what kinds of training?” I think he was planning to answer, but at this point he already arrived at a parking spot and I had to get off. He asked me, “is it over?” (This part starting was all in canto) I asked “what do you mean by it, if you’re talking about my module then I completed it, if you’re talking about the exam then yeah?” And he repeated, “is it over?”

So I was very confused and kept thinking what’s over until I woke up.

But now after typing this down I realised he just probably wanted me to end the conversation.

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#arthur #mum #uni _{Not much dreams, or maybe I didn't actively recall them so a lot was lost}

抬頭又是湛藍天。

feb 20

Session w arthur after a long long time

And I spent the time scolding him for his incorrect thinking/ opinions and ideals that he had for a long time that I didn’t mention my disagreement before.

feb 22

Mystery man.

PBL mass session. Assigned to a group sitting in a rectangle. Pleasantly surprised the tutor is someone I know. He invited me to sit next to him. Turned out he manually put me into his group, haha. Later a uni friend of mine also came to our group and sit slightly diagonally opposite to me. I was happy, I guess he deliberately assigned him to our group too. I leaned next to him (tutor), I told him if he’s guiding the group then I would start to enjoy and love PBL lol.

I woke up peacefully after quality time in the dream. Who’s this guy? It felt astoundingly familiar. And the leaning as well. I’m not sure if I looked at his face in the dream, I probably did at the start, but not once I sat down. And which uni friend? I forgot as soon as I woke up. Feels nostalgic and warm, but a little bit empty because I don’t know/ forgot who they were but they’re definitely irl people. :(

25 Feb

random

Throwing up in dream Saw i have a pair of 麵包鞋 trainers with thick shoelaces

26 Feb

nostalgic touch

Meeting arthur for an informal session Sitting next to him at a food court Leaned my head to his arm as we talk He was wearing short sleeved shirt So I was also touching the sleeves as I was leaning and talking I also recognised the faint scent of him Comfy and cozy A bit nostalgic

A lot of different things in the long dream I think at some point I wanted to masturbate in this little room i got in the dream- and somehow this city I live in was infamous for messed up hostel rooms by too much sex by guests While I was setting up the pillows they were airing 春晚 on the tv as well- and a rather famous hk singer sang the lyrics wrong and switched back to the original lyrics in the middle which was quite obvious. While I was almost done with setting up I noticed the “door” is just a fabric curtain and there is a big angle where I can have eye contact with a random girl outside the door- so I didn’t masturbate

Towards the last scene I was drawing. I was drawing a train ticket. And then I planned to trace the shape of an (/my?) actual ticket onto the drawing to cut it out Dad offered a high quality expensive paper for me to draw but I need to cut it into a strip shape rather than a rectangular ticket I rejected the idea and after a few times and he let me be Later mum came and kept looking at me while I was doing my artwork I felt extremely annoyed as I told her to not look but she kept reappearing- I told her I felt like I am a fish in the aquarium kept being observed and supervised She said you are I told her isn’t there any other things you should be busy on, go work on your stuff But she doesn’t have other stuff to work on I was angry ans I was about to tell her then tidy our messy home- but at this point I became aware that I was dreaming, so I lost a big chunk of anger and I don’t see the point of telling her to tidy stuff in the dream. And I woke. _{I spent the whole day lying on my bed. It’s 2347 and I still haven’t moved.}

27 feb

scratches

I still see scars on my wrist/ forearm- 2 deep ones with the shape of human nail marks other than the light scratches with a blade i guess

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Halloween event: searching Ruth's Guinea pig in Disney

#ruth #chinok #secschool #uni

I was having dinner in school food court, assigned into tables with secondary school schoolmates (weren't that familiar). One of the waiter seemed a bit intellectually disabled + mentally handicapped, a bit schizo some of the classmates accidentally and unknowingly provoked him by saying things that didn't align with what the waiter was saying when he came around to serve dishes. During the most serious time, the waiter seemed he was about to explode. So I spoke up and chatted along with the waiter and agreeing on his points (which were diverted from what he was mad about), so I swap his attention away We sort of had a conversation which was not too meaningful, but enough to stop him from exploding. He's like a damp firepit now

I felt relieved.

Later we all had to go to a computer room. I was chatting a bit loudly until we entered, and I realised the people inside the room were super silent. I was kinda embarrassed but luckily I realised the silence pretty soon so I wasn't that embarrassed. Turned out they were assessing the audio noise in their headphones. So basically we had to record voices and noises using the headphones w microphone and equipment we got assigned with, but in order to eliminate unnecessary noises, like the accidental breaths into the microphone, the school will determine our personal baseline noise level first.

And we had to get the equipment and then participate in a halloween event by wellness team. (I wasn't sure whether the equipment was related to the event, but the event was definitely organised by wellness team)

So we were watching a slides presentation in the room to get briefed about the event. So Ruth got a golden guinea pig. (imo it is a very cute cat, but somehow it said guinea pig so guinea pig it is) And she put it somewhere in Disney. And we were going to find it. There were clues about the guinea pig, like size data, a picture of Ruth dressed in feminine clothes by the shore; (and also more info about ruth- like which district and which building she lives in – I was like SEE i think she lives in mid-levels) _{(not confirmed irl- just purely my imagination)}

And very quickly our group is leaving to catch the Disney shuttle van. But I was far from ready. I needed to wear my socks, my shoes, get my disney headband, pack my bag... and my phone started to glitch as well- the keyboard function broke. And I can't interact with anything, I tried sending messages in our team chat but it would just send random stickers and irrelevant texts. Chinok looked over to check on me as I looked confused. and I was choosing which plushies to bring with me, as I have a few- a disney related kuromi, a momonga, a dumbo...

They asked me/ looked like they wanted to wait for me, so I told them not to wait for me, and go on the 6 shuttles and I will catch them later

I eventually took dumbo I think because it was the most comfortable and softest to touch. _{(Dumbo was a high school christmas present from 6grass to me during school christmas party- and jau touched it during the party so I was overjoyed)}

i rushed out in the rain, keeping dumbo under by coat in my chest/ where the heart was, to get on a shuttle metro cuz the road led me there (i was kinda lost and I thought the metro won't be too far from the shuttle van destination as they were both Disney related) But the metro actually went back to the urban districts (there was a hidden mini side / another Disney park)

I was like oh,,, and then I wondered what if we got kinda tricked and actually Ruth hid the guinea pig there instead. And I checked the slides and saw one of the photo is the disney receipt and there was the disney address it was actually this one that I was heading alone

The metro line was brown, just like the Tuen Ma line. _{(maybe because I rode that line during the day to get to my driving school)} I got off around that disney station (the station didn't say there was a disney though) Hopped on a bus. But later it was in a traffic jam as it was Halloween and there were so many people on the street. (The road was like shared with pedestrians, so the bus cannot force through) I got off immediately and walked along the street to find the place where Ruth took her picture.

I walked past the crowd and went up an alley. There were many rats running around but I still walked up quickly. I wanted to find the guinea pig. There were less and less people gathering there as it was more unhygienic and secluded. I imagined her exposed legs. Rather slim and smooth. I looked at her hands. Ahaa. And she put on kinda sexy eye makeup. _{(huh interesting she always wore long pants irl)}

Eventually I arrived at a cliff on the mountain, and looking down was the coast. It was the place Ruth took her pic. But not the exact spot. There was an escalator down to the seashore so I went down to see whether that would make me closer to the spot. Tried and didn't. I planned to took the escalator back up when I saw a mini museum thingy, so I asked the entrance security guard about the guinea pig, whether she knew about it or even was taking care of it in case someone gave it to her. She had no recollection of it, and she seemed uninterested in our convo

I took the escalator back up and found the exact spot. I imagined Ruth in a beach dress just like in the pic, standing by the rock “fence” thing by the cliff, and just enjoying the wind and beautiful scenery.

I can't find any guinea pig though. Then my phone received a group chat message (group of all participants including those from other teams), people asking whether it was the location on her receipt. I was like shit, they discovered, and I don't like the fact that they would be the one finding guinea pig and this nice secret destination that should be just for the both of us

So I kinda panicked and tried to run around back and forth to find the guinea pig. I wanted to be the one who find it. (And get noticed by Ruth.)

And I woke up.

_{Now after I wake up I think I could read the guinea pig data file, what if the guinea pig is so small that I can't see without really checking every bush/ every blade of grass? What is the Guinea pig? Something atypical? Who knows? Maybe I need to make use of all the given information.}

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actually had a long dream but I can only remember this so far

med tutorial presentation

#uni #adrian #sally

I was sitting at the far corner at the back of the classroom again. It was a class where med students present their group projects. I didn't need to present though.

After the presentation, the presenters would initiate a Q&A session. The teacher at the back picked the person to answer questions. I was pretty scared cuz I didn't pay attention during the presentations, and I didn't really know what they were talking about. (very boring stuff like immunization in the community)

But the teacher said my name !! So I became alert and sat straight immediately. Turned out the teacher wanted me to pick a person. I immediately searched through the class to see who I wanted to pick. But all were either not really familiar, or I thought they wouldn't be paying attention and such, wouldn't know the answer. I picked Adrian eventually, while hoping he would know the answer.

I looked at him anxiously, and was relieved again when the teacher told Adrian to pick another person. And Adrian picked Sally. (I wouldn't think Sally would know the answer as well, actually I didn't think the whole class paid attention. But Sally was sitting next to her group of friends, so they could come up with an answer. (me and Adrian were sitting alone))

And Sally discussed with her friends and answered the questions/ raised questions during Q&A. Kind of relieved hahaha

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late for gathering late for lecture

#secschool #PBLmate #uni

So at the first part of the dream it was so funny that I chuckled out loud while sleeping, and woke myself up for half a second. But I forgot why...!!

In the later part of the dream I was late for a meal gathering with school friends. My secondary school classmates ate some snacks on the road while waiting for me. And when I arrived, it was time for them to leave. Jamie, Ashley and a few others were walking down a stopped escalator. I tried to step on it but instead, I moved the standing conveyor belt so my classmates almost tumbled down the escalator. They were jokingly asking if that was deliberate, but I really didn't mean to, so I felt a bit sad, but I laughed with them, and I slid down on the handrail.

Later I collected their trash (like food wrappings), and I went to take a lift to go down to the food court so that I can discard it.

Carrie (another primary/ secondary school classmate) was going to take the lift with me. The lift was very narrow and very... squashed. Carrie entered first. She “rolled” inside the lift, and there was still space for me to enter. So I roll inside as well. As we were descending, I grabbed my dress and any flying parts that might get stuck in the edges of the lift, as the lift is like a basket and there were no complete walls to protect us. It was quite scary honestly, but Carrie seemed to be used to it. And I felt a bit more reassuring when she's accompanying me.

I kind of not remember what happened next but anyways we got to the basement food court safely and stuff

oh and I went to eat with our PBL group in a relatively busy but okay-ish restaurant in the food court.

oh yeah the heading, so basically i was late for that meal as well, and later I was also late for lecture. And I was also writing an assignment essay in the dream, idk for which lecture though. But anyways I was pretty busy in the dream but I kind of liked how I am being productive. I was kinda upset on how I was late to everything though.

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nice library study tables

Maybe because I went to the library pretty early so there were a lot of vacant solo tables with just about right amount of sunshine that was shining the table but not too hot. It was nice.

mum threw away my phone

as a punishment I think mum threw away lots of stuff like two of my phones. Actually the family were doing a biggggg tidy up at home. But finally mum gave me back my two phones, she was just trying to scare me because I wasn't polite to her. I felt annoyed

Also I was chatting with quite some people (regular amount) on WhatsApp, and the interface design was like Line, which was very cool, but slightly confusing when there were many ads and non-friend official accounts.

practical stations at bookstore. wilted plant, solo practical

#ivan #jy #uni #mum #dad

We had a practical session at a large facility which was half clinic half bookstore. There were a total of three stations (initially, clinic waiting area, vaccine area and bookstore) (idk why later on there were many different stations). Ivan was in a different station for rotation.

I was being super loud with my friends, because I discovered the plant I had been caring for had wilted, and I was cleaning away the dead branches. And my classmate was saying there were bugs on my plant and I insisted there wasn't, cuz there wasn't, so she picked up a giant bug and put it on my shoulder, so I shrieked loudly. So the very strict teacher in Ivan's station were scolding the students in their station, including Ivan (cuz the environment was loud). They looked like they were used to the scolding and so they apologised in a very hea manner. I felt bad for them because I was the one who made it so loud.

Next I was a bit distracted by the surrounding, and when I turned around, they rotated, but I couldn't find which station my groupmates had rotated to. I searched the clinic and the bookstore and asked other students, but they didn't know too. Ivan had finished a clinic session called “vaccine”, but my groupmates weren't there. So I just randomly started following an unknown group at the bookstore, listening to how the teacher was teaching drawing styles for anatomy I think?

And later this group had rotated to a nearby station also in the bookstore, it was a tech/ vr session by JY (aka that dude). I began to start feeling a bit nervous and slightly shaking. I was also holding a book with both hands and I put the book behind my back covering my butt. I kinda shrink in a way I wasn't standing straight. I was among the front row people though. So not exactly hiding. I think the people sitting at the waiting area nearby were looking closely at me for my reactions. Not the group that I was having the practical/ this station with though. However it kinda surprised me because JY was trying to teach and speak in cantonese entirely, and his cantonese was kinda broken. I was wondering if it was because the faculty forced him to use cantonese instead of mandarin, and I found it slightly funny. I am still stressed though, so I abandoned this group and went searching for another practical group that I can stick to.

The next group was a very boring chinese poem analysis group. The teacher was having KY Yuen vibe but not him. We had to follow his words to write notes.

After this station I went to read (actually just watch) a couple of drawing books, and then I went back to the place where I had the drawing style practical. There was a new station where we can read art techniques books and look at the samples, and the teacher also talking about it. This was like my favourite station in the whole practical.

Finally, somehow my mum and dad gave me a chance to get an extra station with the boring KY Yuen vibe guy. Initially I was trying to dodge it by going into different book aisles to find books I liked. But eventually I think they spotted me and so I was back with learning the poems and stuff. I got a cool fountain pen where stuff I wrote would became popping out- like plasticky feeling pop out words. So I was writing down the poem sentences the dude was talking about on the corners of my book. Maybe he found that I was quite studious, so finally he played some music while he read a paragraph in the book (he had a copy of the book too). He was crying while reading it. I used my pen to frame out this paragraph, while thinking, this pen design was pretty interesting, and the texture was super fun to touch (* repeatedly touches my notes *) maybe the blind people can learn braille with it. Or maybe if the teacher only had like two students, the teacher can just set up exercises and exam papers by handwriting them with this pen. And there was no need for a braille printer. This was so good. Eventually the KY Yuen dude ended his class in tears (he's too invested in his paragraph and it was about time as well), and my mum and dad were gonna talk to him about the class. Meanwhile I walked off again to check stationery and books I liked, and I put down all the books I planned to buy/ liked, because they weren't necessary anyways.

Later my dad came to find me. He sort of ask if I wanted it- I was holding a memo holder. And then he asked what are the places nearby to have lunch, we're gonna have lunch with the KY Yuen dude. I just kinda froze and looked at him, because I was thinking, you guys wanna have lunch and you're asking me for ideas and do all the stuff again... (I also didn't want the memo holder too) _{(Maybe it was because they were pushing me to have a haircut, but urged me to do the reservation for the haircut. I did it but I was annoyed)}

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