halted session w vincci; intimate with Arthur 2

#T #arthur my new session would be with Vincci instead, and it would be conducted over zoom. It would be my first time having a session with her. Arthur was a little bit worried if she can handle the session, so he joined the zoom meeting as an observer too. But around the mid part of the session, while Vincci was speaking, she suddenly quitted the zoom. I assumed it might be some internet issues of her. But she didn't rejoin. I was confused and initially I was a bit hopeful, so I was joking with Arthur about the situation. But after 10 mins of her not appearing, Arthur decided to call her but she didn't pick up her phone. Around 20 mins of waiting and almost the end of the session I was kinda upset because I think she didn't want to see me so she disappeared. I also told Arthur about me being a bit unhappy. I also felt a bit empty in the dream. Thinking back it might be because I felt like both Vincci and Arthur didn't want me (Arthur referring me to Vincci and she just ditched the session) and I felt abandoned.

I forgot how the scenes changed, but I was still in my new house bedroom/ old house parent's bedroom (direction of bed and door were similar), when I finished the zoom. Then Arthur came into the room. (I think) (The parts below were blurry) He lied on the bed and I was on top of him. We were naked this time. I was again humping him. (I couldn't really recall the sensations I had after I woke up- but I did moan a lot in dream) I leaned forward and our chests touched. Then I gave him a hickey on the left side of his neck. _{(shit now I googled it, I actually gave him a bite with my right canine... LMFAO)} He also gave one on my left neck (not sure bite or hickey), and as I felt that light sharp pain I was quite aroused and moaned again haha

I continued humping him while (we kissed? I think) Until I was kinda wet and I can also feel his cock erected and was rubbing against my butt as I moved myself. Then we changed position as he stood at my back and teased me by rubbing it without putting it in. Finally he put it in. Honestly it just felt like a foreign body inside and it wasn't really arousing haha- but interesting experience

_{After I woke up, the sensations in the dream are much less vivid to recall than the first dream (except the “hickey/ bite”)– so it was just pleasant watching but not feeling. I'm not sure if I felt a lot while dreaming though.}

prepping high school final exam in y4

#secschool school distributed papers to us for practice I got mine and I ran to school (my old home) in order to scold my f6 eng teacher for giving me an ass SBA mark but I arrived at school just when the recess bell rang (:35) (aka recess ended), so I didn't continue my plan

walk two dogs

#mum Mum led two dogs into my bedroom, telling me to walk them later. I was putting on the collar and leash for them but I forgot which collar is for which dog, and I took some time to attach them when eventually I realised I swapped them. Mum came in and helped me reattached the collars and leashes swiftly- but she reattached the ones I was meaning to remove. So I told her no, this is wrong and we need to change it. She replied they are similar, then you swap by yourself, and she left the room. I figured it out by a while and was halfway done, but seemed she waited a while already and she was a bit impatient so she came back into the room and helped me with it. I felt happy. Then we were about to go out and walk the dogs.

_{(...... now I am feeling mixed)}

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long dreams from yesterday afternoon till today morning. There were like 4 dreams but not too special

mum found out my cuts

#mum I was cutting and mum went inside my room and saw me holding my blade and my arms with cuts. Idk how to explain to her, I felt the scene is a bit embarrassing. I was scared if she would be angry. But she was more like shocked and a bit frowned, but didn't scold me. She asked me loudly why did it happen though. _{probably because yesterday afternoon my parents tidied my room and also added the window grilles to this new home, and dad was saying how dangerous it is if I was being too excited or whatever and stood up on bed because it was very easy to fall off onto the street when the grilles were not installed previously. And they took out my locked messenger bag which was usually put on the bed, so I later on took a look inside and found that one final little blade I didn't turn in to Arthur, and I opened it, and despite not feeling upset, and obv not upset enough to cut, I decided to cut a little because why not, and I have been refraining from cutting for a long time already, so I should give myself this... uhm treat. And that blade was sharp af so I just moved a little and I got a funny feeling and it bled just a little. I kept questioning myself why I would want to do it, because Arthur also asked me the same question, but I still dont know, but I want to do it}

korea trip with friends

#charlottec #secschool me and around 6 friends were at the park at night, somewhere in Korea, as we were travelling. These were from my senior secondary school squad with heidi, charlotte, kaka and others. We bought an ice-cream each and ate together on our own little cube stools. I had a strawberry ice cream cone with a few actual strawberries, but I had to hurry to eat because mine was melting especially quickly idk why lol. 3 others also had either similar or identical strawberry ice-cream but theirs didn't really melt that quickly. Maybe because my ice-cream arrived the latest out of them so it was served late, and already melting. (thinking back it didn't make sense because if it was so, my ice-cream should be the coldest, but I really did get the ice-cream the latest out of them) _{Maybe I dreamt it because I recently found a photo of their secondary school grad trip to Korea again, which I was unable to join (I think should be because I was travelling with family elsewhere during that time). I wasn't particularly fond of going though because charlotte said it happened to be a kinda bad trip lol, but I kinda miss out on it}

chatting with schoolmates

I was sitting at the bench with a few others (I forgot the names, but one seems to be Annie? who likes horses, and Lauren), plus a new dream friend, whom I met in primary school nanny van. They were a year younger than me. We were just chatting casually until when Annie wants us to guess her personality or whatever, and I just shared my (educated) “guesses”. The dream friend and Annie looked surprised because I was accurate, and I explained to the dream friend that I met Annie in the school van before. Annie didn't respond though. (Perhaps the “dream her” didn't know about this information) But the convo went on nicely. (I think this wasn't a lucid dream. I spilled out the irl info about school van naturally)

omw to school and battling giant monster

At a “dream fake city where I was on exchange” in the morning. Gives vibes like this:

I was waiting impatiently at a traffic light, wanting to get across to go ride metro to go to school. Finally the light turned green and I went across. Then it swapped from first person to third person as I saw a gigantic monster (godzilla size but not that ugly), protruding out of the metro station building. It was swallowing people's aura, which were blue orbs. And I observe this girl (the main character) dashed towards the monster in mid air and jumped really high to mid air to face head on with the monster by getting her two white iridescent aura orbs from her chest and out came two strong aura waves and shot the monster with that powerful beam and the monster appeared injured, and the dream ended (idk if the monster was dead or not).

---

Arthur asked me whether I am awake and fantasizing when I said I was aware when I am dreaming. But I am sure they are lucid dreams. If not, then you can say I have not been sleeping for years. So it would be impossible. And my watch also shows I am sleeping. Therefore I am sleeping. Perhaps he hasn't tried lucid dreaming before, nor doing reality checks in dream, so it is hard to imagine.

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im not interested in this dream but Arthur does eeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh

hugging naked mum & crazy AC controller

#mum

I was chilling on my bed in my current bedroom, around morning, with sunlight and heavy rain from the outside. It was like black rainstorm/ typhoon 10 type of rain. The street view outside was like the path which the shuttle bus took from Cardiff dorm to the uni. It felt like a school day but I didn't go to school, although I wasn't sure if it was because it suddenly became a holiday because of weather, or because I skipped it because I didn't want to go. _{(but such weather leading to class cancellations, and my own skipping class happened in the past two weeks so either way made sense.)} Anyways I felt a sense of relief but with an odd mixture of guilt underneath. So not necessarily happy, but happier than going to school. My mum came into the room and we hugged together while chatting about different things. I was on top of her, and we were both naked. I talked about my classmates, about my sessions with Arthur, etc. (Although a little voice at the back of my head thinks, I didn't mention anything about Arthur to her, how come I spilled the tea so naturally? It doesn't make sense, I shouldn't be doing that.) During the hug I guess my clit was on top of hers so I felt pleasurable sexually, while the little voice felt this felt wrong. _{(Idk why we spent so much time during session on this, didn't expect, I thought only Freud likes this kind of stuff but okay lol)} I wondered if she felt the same way as me, though she does not show any special emotions related to this. I also did not show how I was feeling regarding this aspect to her, as it did not exceed my threshold for such emotions/aka I can contain it easily, and it felt wrong.

Later she left to do housework in the living room/ kitchen. I looked at my room which has two air conditioners. The first one was working normally, and it is located at a similar spot in real life, while the second aircon was next to the first one, but this part of the room is expanded in the dream as well, separated by a wooden shelf, just like two ikea kallax shelves stacking on top of each other but the material is wood. I looked at the second aircon and found it to be operating at 4x degrees, which I thought no wonder the air blowing out is so hot. I took my remote and tried to lower the temperature. But the temperature panel dropped to -60. I tried to turn it up again and it went to 0 at first after a few simple tries. But I want an appropriate temperature, but it just jumped directly to 40 again. And even 50 I think. So I turned it down again and it went back to like -40 or -60, and the air con is beginning to roar and make cold air. I began to panic when I heard the aircon making such a sound as it implies the room is going to be unbelievably cold and I might destroy the aircon/ the aircon would explode or overwork and make a fire. So I walked a bit out of my room into the corridor, and called my mum to come back and help. She heard my call and responded in the kitchen and I think she would come soon, when the dream ended.

_{(Irl I had a lecture on killing cells using temperatures higher than 60C or lower than -40C just the day before I sleep, so I think it is related.)}

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terrible gigantic argument with mum at wellness team waiting room

#T #mum #secschool

It is my birthday today. I felt a bit bad so I went to sit in the wellness team office. The waiting room was spacious. It was actually a big computer room. I sat there for a long time but couldn’t pacify myself, and my trembles continued, and I was still crying. So Vincci came and check on me. And she gave me a notebook to write what kind of subjects I chose during secondary school. So I listed all 13 from junior high and 7 in senior high. We carried this book with us to our uni entrance, and we sat at the middle of the slope where everyone would walk down to exit school. Ashley walked by and gave me a jellycat peanut keychain as a birthday present. She wished me happy birthday. Then I recalled (knew about in the dream that) it was my birthday. I was very thankful of her for remembering and the birthday wishes and I bursted into tears again. Some other old secondary classmates who also walked by said hi to me. After a quick while Ashley came back and apologetically took away my gift (which weirdly became a white plushy rather than the peanut), saying that she had recognised me wrongly and gifted wrongly. Still crying from receiving the gift, I was a bit sad but thought to myself that it wasn’t a big deal to be sad about yet I sobbed.

I think we went to a supermarket afterwards to check out on desserts yogurt and ice cream. _{(irl yogurt is my mum’s favourite and I’d pick ice cream.)}

Vincci was still next to me and we went back to the waiting room. My mum came to the room as she found out somehow that I would be here. Probably she checked my geolocation or she saw my notebooks, which I was deliberately not writing about therapy most of the time. When she saw me, she looked crossed, but when she saw Vincci beside me, she rose from the stool and put up a smiley face full of gratitude and thank her for taking care of me. I was angry and loudly told her to stop being so fake and put on a show when she dislike student wellness team _{(idk if she does irl but very likely, if she knows about it)}. So she scolded me back for wasting time talking to strangers and trusting them. That I was a total letdown and I couldn’t even study properly. I was furious and upset so I also stood and yelled at her telling her that she didn’t even understand how come my study is so bad, she never asked about my mental health and she ignored all the issues that I presented at home and those I told her about. She knew that my mind was so bad I was lost at school. I couldn’t even recall important stuff about myself. That I was in my room abnormally moody and I only showered every five days. I was yelling at her and getting very irritated every day and I never smiled but she didn’t even think anything beyond that! She only cared about the results I bring forward. But it was never me.

When she heard me yelling and screaming at her, it triggered her and she also yelled back with such explosive temper like usual.

At the midst of our argument, I also yelled at Vincci in frustration to see how me and my mum are both double-faced with such dramatic emotions. (To clarify the loudness is simply because I was arguing and I wouldn’t randomly speak in a low tone to another person. Not that I have beef with Vincci)

I’m too tired to write down our arguments, and I couldn’t remember them anyway. But we had a terrible big loud argument and my voice was coarse again. But it still did not reach her.

_{Maybe Arthur is right about I shouldn’t be expecting from my parents as we knew how they’re like. But I am lonely in this little place which is supposedly home.}

post exam driving

#uni

During exchange, I went to a distant place to have an exam, so a prof drove me there. On the way back I drove a part of the highway back with my riolu on my lap, and Cecot in backseat lol. But I got distracted by it after a pause of waiting other cars to pass- as in I forgot to start driving again and I became too focused on my doll. So Cecot said he would drive it and I sit at the back. Reluctantly (because I like driving), we swapped seats. When we reached the urban streets, I asked if I could try to drive. He said “you need more experience to handle the road.” I’m like ok Then I asked “how can I train my attention as I couldn’t see the rest of my vision if I look at the lane in front of me,” He replied, “by training.” I was left speechless because he wasn’t answering me. Maybe he was annoyed by my previous mistake of not focusing on the road. But I asked, “training?” in hopes of clarification. And he said “yes.” … so I asked “what kinds of training?” I think he was planning to answer, but at this point he already arrived at a parking spot and I had to get off. He asked me, “is it over?” (This part starting was all in canto) I asked “what do you mean by it, if you’re talking about my module then I completed it, if you’re talking about the exam then yeah?” And he repeated, “is it over?”

So I was very confused and kept thinking what’s over until I woke up.

But now after typing this down I realised he just probably wanted me to end the conversation.

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found Arthur’s wife’s 小紅書

#arthur #mum

(Before this happened I was shopping with my mum in the dream and we went to a little cutesy cafe and we can take film instant pics and mum took 3 and printed one; mum wanted to join my camera and i rejected and took also 3 pics alone and about to print one- but actually mum’s pics were all better than mine but I am a bit too tired to take again so I’m just editing one to be printed and somehow the below happened)

I found the acc when there was a hovering screen scrolling different Rednote posts itself on the side of the camera machine? and then I see Arthur’s face on the screen at the corner of my eye and im like holy shi wait whoa and i pressed inside and bam it’s his wife’s account

Wow god knows how excited i was so I kept browsing her posts which consisted of a lot of pics of her working env at bedside (elderly home or hospital??) and also a comsiderable amount of family pics and videos with Arthur inside. Arthur looked very cute and happy haha Their bedroom curtains were of the same pattern to the ones in my parents’ bedroom in the old flat which was quite interesting to me There was also a video post of him lying on bed and his wife sat on top of him but somehow in the dream I didn’t press inside to watch although I was a bit interested

And after obtaining such precious information idk how to deal with it because I don’t want to send to others so I just kept looking at the pics and trying to memorise all the relevant pics

But at the same time I was thinking to myself what would I feel about our therapeutic relationship after learning too much about him which I think I am not supposed to, maybe I couldn’t continue therapy, but I decided to keep scrolling lol.

It was only after I woke up when I realised it was just a dream

_{Btw I had a few other interesting (by which I mean they have a complete plot) dreams from a few days ago but I am too lazy to write them down they’re too long?? One was about starting new school year and finding new classroom with old secondary and primary school classmates and I was quite anxious about choosing seats but I was so relieved after finding people put their bags next to my seat which means they don’t hate me and they’re willing to sit next to me wuwuwuwu also the floor where my classroom was also has #jau ’s office but I decided to ignore it because it has already passed)}

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gang bang in me & my friend's home

#cecilia #mum #dad

_{The dream is a bit messy to recall}

So originally me and my best childhood friend, Cecilia, were observing a series of events unfolding: two main characters (friends) in their newly rent home, just beginning to set stuff up and enjoying new life in this cozy flat, but there was always a rumour in the neighbourhood that their floor lived a very scary muscular man. But so far the two characters haven't seen this man on their floor, and there were only like three flats on their floor. One day the two characters were walking up the staircase to their door, hands carrying bags full of groceries, and saw their flat were being broken into. And the muscular man walked out of the flat with a very menacing aura (im not sure if his hands were covered with blood too). The characters believed the man saved them, but were also very scared, not just because the man really looked like a murderer of some sort, but also upon realising the man was also living in their flat. In the dream I was guessing maybe they were living in different dimensions, so they did not detect each other's presence. _{(Note: watched a RPG horror game intro video last week with the theme of making warp holes and how the character was murdered with loopholes in the time dimension; and a weird shorts of a man trying to live in a 2D way in this 3D world- basically aerial shots of him lying on the floor and pretending to walk. So maybe these influenced the dream)}

In the dream, I was also sure that this was a movie or story I had watched previously, so I thought I was sure about how the story would end despite not being able to recall it. But I didn't realise I was in a dream. But I felt like this dream has been on repeat for a few times in the past (around secondary school era) because the door entrance was familiar to me.

Then the dream perspective has changed from us being observers to us being the two main characters. Some unknown time has passed in the dream and one day, me and Cecilia were at home when we heard someone by the door. We had the hinge that it was the muscular man/ murderer. We urged each other to look at the door hole but we were scared and we were running out of time. Quickly and eventually one of us (I forgot. I think I pushed Cecilia to look) took a glimpse across the hole and confirmed it was the murderer. But it was too late to hide as I saw him unlocking and pushing open the door.

_{... And then my memory for the rest of the dream became fuzzy} Upon seeing us, he didn't became violent or defensive, but invited us to a gang bang with a bunch of guys including him. We were still a bit scared so we agreed to his invitation. _{(I think this decision was also kind of influenced by how I was looking back at my scary Balkans trip with the girl with such! shit! personality! just before napping and having this dream, as one night I was a bit provoked by her usual dominant and rude way of speaking (she's actually scolding me for using google map because I led her wrongly with google map- just a 5 min walk, but she didn't tell me what to use instead and was backseating the whole time) my voice became uncontrollably babyish and spoke in a baby tone as if I was fawning. She told me to stop speaking in that way and I tried my best to maintain a normal tone and asked her wdym by that way, and she told me to ignore what she's saying. :P But I really couldn't control it and I was so ashamed of myself. Speaking in a baby tone pleading to a classmate who treated you like a fucking servant?? Unbelievably shameful. And that's just one thing out of the half month we were travelling together. I didn't even mention that one time after receiving her silent treatment, I went to ride the tube and my whole body was shaking so badly for the whole journey of like 45 mins from Euston Square to fucking O2 wembley and even after queuing into the concert and getting seated. Embarrassing as fuck. I hate myself.)}

Oh I was distracted. Anyways very soon the murderer's friends all appeared by the door and all are very muscular and tall. And I began to realise this looked different from the “story” I was expecting to unfold as the plot changed. Really looked like they were strong enough to kill us if they wanted. I forgot it was who's suggestion, but I was going to grab sex toys for use. I walked into the living room and saw my parents lying on the sofa bed. And I think my mum overheard a part of the convo so she named a few sex toy brands which I have never heard of (very sure they are just random names in dream). I ignored my mum's suggestion as 1 I couldn't hear what new jargons she mentioned, 2 I don't want to confirm to her I was indeed searching for sex toys. _{(Oh yesterday night Ivan invited me to come downstairs to had late night dessert and so I told my parents about it when I left home, and they suggested like 2-3 places nearby to have desserts. And I also sort of ignored as I don't understand where their suggestions were, and Ivan already had a spot in mind. Wow the plot was all interconnected in real life)}

Anyways starting from this part of the plot it became more blurry to me because it's hard to remember the whole dream... But I secretly took some toys? or what? but just sex related items. And we went to a room (idk within the flat like another direction to the door, or a random room outside the flat.) and then I started to become aware this is just a dream, and me and Cecilia got fucked by these (around 5-6) men.

_{I also don't know if it's related but I threw my vibrator I've been using for quite some time previously and got a new identical one two days ago and it is good.}

...... uhhhh

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hacked phone & ipad in max volume at Arthur’s workshop

#arthur #mum #dad

_{Bruh!! Today (yesterday) was one of the rare days of not feeling suicidal for the whole day and it ended with a nightmare!}

I was with my mum and dad, returning from our travels. I decided to catch and attend Arthur’s talk- I forgot what informative talk was it about- but brought my parents as well since it was the most natural to do so in that setting (it felt strange if you’re rushing to a talk but your parents are not included)

The info workshop was held in a shopping mall, next to a big setup for another talk. I sat separated from my parents. I chose a seat next to the big setup and much closer to Arthur, while I let my parents sit at the outlying areas where there are more vacant double seats, but with some sunlight shining down as their side was in a half open area and no ceilings above.

I was just seated and shortly after, an auntie with two young male kids (around 8-10 years old) came, the auntie sat next to me and the kids opposite to her, I used the opposite seat of mine to put my bags so it was empty. Then Arthur arrived. I saw his steps and smiled _{(I didn’t look at him directly so I actually didn’t see his face or the upper body, just like that time after EY gala day)}. He went to the back to test the setup and probably microphones.

He turned on some nice music that was easy to sing along. After maybe like 3 songs suddenly my phone began to blast loud music and I couldn’t turn it down. I tried putting the phone between my thighs and shoved a cushion under my seat but it was of no use and still very loud. During the split second while I was putting the cushion I related it to my habit of muffling the sound of my vibrator. I didn’t feel much other than thinking it was a bit odd to do it in public, but now thinking back I felt a bit embarrassed. I kept this posture while I quickly check my phone, there was a pop-up notification saying something like login/ registration failed and about 5 accounts or what (I forgot). So I immediately went to check my apple id as I suspected I accidentally authorised something and let foreign ids to use my phone. At this time, Arthur’s music was already paused so I was even more stressed as I felt everyone was waiting for me to fix my music. But the auntie and the kids appeared very normal, the auntie was minding her own business while the kids were playing around as usual, and they had not batted an eye at me even once- as if they had never noticed the music. Back to the phone, I found quite some accounts linked to my phone. Because of time and difficulty in manuvering the phone (dim screen and buttons kept flickering), I only managed to delete two of them which were the most conspicuous on screen and sounded the most suspicious. But the phone kept ringing and getting more and more hot. So I tried to force turn off the phone but it took me many tries. While I was turning off the phone, my iPad started to blast loud music too! Luckily the music on the phone ceased so the two songs were not overlapping so it was not as disastrous and chaotic, but still very bad! I tried to turn off the iPad using the same method but somehow it was even harder to swipe the power off toggle despite having a bigger screen, as if the touch function was not responding intermittently so I can’t “swipe”. The iPad also began to turn warm. Anyways at this point I was super stressed and my heart was pounding and began to notice the songs around me aka from my irl headphones and woke.

_{(Btw the HRV and real-life stress function in stresswatch can really visualise my irl bodily sensation to the nightmare lmao… peak heart rate of 96bpm while asleep just before being fed up and waking up)}

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#arthur #mum #uni _{Not much dreams, or maybe I didn't actively recall them so a lot was lost}

抬頭又是湛藍天。

feb 20

Session w arthur after a long long time

And I spent the time scolding him for his incorrect thinking/ opinions and ideals that he had for a long time that I didn’t mention my disagreement before.

feb 22

Mystery man.

PBL mass session. Assigned to a group sitting in a rectangle. Pleasantly surprised the tutor is someone I know. He invited me to sit next to him. Turned out he manually put me into his group, haha. Later a uni friend of mine also came to our group and sit slightly diagonally opposite to me. I was happy, I guess he deliberately assigned him to our group too. I leaned next to him (tutor), I told him if he’s guiding the group then I would start to enjoy and love PBL lol.

I woke up peacefully after quality time in the dream. Who’s this guy? It felt astoundingly familiar. And the leaning as well. I’m not sure if I looked at his face in the dream, I probably did at the start, but not once I sat down. And which uni friend? I forgot as soon as I woke up. Feels nostalgic and warm, but a little bit empty because I don’t know/ forgot who they were but they’re definitely irl people. :(

25 Feb

random

Throwing up in dream Saw i have a pair of 麵包鞋 trainers with thick shoelaces

26 Feb

nostalgic touch

Meeting arthur for an informal session Sitting next to him at a food court Leaned my head to his arm as we talk He was wearing short sleeved shirt So I was also touching the sleeves as I was leaning and talking I also recognised the faint scent of him Comfy and cozy A bit nostalgic

A lot of different things in the long dream I think at some point I wanted to masturbate in this little room i got in the dream- and somehow this city I live in was infamous for messed up hostel rooms by too much sex by guests While I was setting up the pillows they were airing 春晚 on the tv as well- and a rather famous hk singer sang the lyrics wrong and switched back to the original lyrics in the middle which was quite obvious. While I was almost done with setting up I noticed the “door” is just a fabric curtain and there is a big angle where I can have eye contact with a random girl outside the door- so I didn’t masturbate

Towards the last scene I was drawing. I was drawing a train ticket. And then I planned to trace the shape of an (/my?) actual ticket onto the drawing to cut it out Dad offered a high quality expensive paper for me to draw but I need to cut it into a strip shape rather than a rectangular ticket I rejected the idea and after a few times and he let me be Later mum came and kept looking at me while I was doing my artwork I felt extremely annoyed as I told her to not look but she kept reappearing- I told her I felt like I am a fish in the aquarium kept being observed and supervised She said you are I told her isn’t there any other things you should be busy on, go work on your stuff But she doesn’t have other stuff to work on I was angry ans I was about to tell her then tidy our messy home- but at this point I became aware that I was dreaming, so I lost a big chunk of anger and I don’t see the point of telling her to tidy stuff in the dream. And I woke. _{I spent the whole day lying on my bed. It’s 2347 and I still haven’t moved.}

27 feb

scratches

I still see scars on my wrist/ forearm- 2 deep ones with the shape of human nail marks other than the light scratches with a blade i guess

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traumatic physical fight with mum, finding arthur, trip with pal

#mum #arthur #onlinefrd

I was fighting with mum over something. _{I forgot if the item was supposed to be hers or mine} Anyways I wanted to get it back But she kept trying to snatch it out of my hand When her hand was not enough she used some tools to attack my hand. I forgot how exactly already, but it was so painful and gruesome and longlasting. There are many scrape marks and scratches on my hands arms and probably legs as well. Some are kind of bleeding and there are red marks all over my fingers and hands. She was like an animal and I couldn’t communicate with her as she just focused on what she wanted. Her ears weren’t open (metaphorically). Legit in the dream I was like holy moly such traumatic dream it hurts at a level similar to the court dream where I was suing the prof who SAed me but this one was fortunately a bit less painful

Fuck

So sad and then later on I dreamt I went to a building where wellness team resided- first floor was a tiny reception + another shop/ laundry store in which my grandma (mum’s side) was the owner and she was sitting there. The actual wellness team office is two floors up, (first floor is just staircases and an empty floor)

I was standing at the entrance of the building for quite some time, because I was thinking my sessions supposed to have ended already and if I go there again I seem to be over relying on them And I’m like moving abroad very very soon but if I go there again it seemed like I was too weak to handle my emotions on my own- how am I able to take care of it when I really went abroad?

I was pretending to look at the flyers stuck on the glass panes outside, and I also took a couple of walks around the whole building n the surrounding shops And I eventually came back to the entrance again I was staring at it for some time until I decided if I don’t go now I can’t go in the future anyways so why not I pushed the door and went inside. I just stood at the g/f reception area as I planned I’ll just stand here for a bit and not go up The area (shared by counselling and laundry) was tiny. Imagine a lift. I just stood there until the laundry lady told me, therapy was upstairs. As I was a bit shy and unwilling to explain to her I just wanted to stand here- or maybe I was kind of want to go up- so I went in

I’ll complete typing this dream later

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_{I just woke up from an accidental evening nap and recalled this brief dream, but I don’t know when I had the dream, maybe today morning but feels more like yesterday? A few days ago?}

swore to mum

#mum #dad

Mum was being extra annoying at a Japanese restaurant. I was on a phone call with someone. Dad was just looking at the scene, giggling. So I just 屌 my mum to 收聲. And mum appeared unhappy and began to cry like a baby. Like she just squatted down and used her arms to rub the tears on her face like a kid. I felt annoyed. Dad came to comfort mum. And after like a min Dad asked me how could I say that. I asked Dad why didn’t you look after what you married and keep her occupied instead of letting her disturb my work/ call? He appeared annoyed at me. And I am annoyed and quite pissed.

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_{This reminded me of that one mini quarrel I had with mum at home. While Dad was just standing there giggling at us similar to what happened in the dream, as if he was uninvolved and just watching us escalate the thing. And I told my dad, you didn’t help nor contributed at all.(I was disappointed. But maybe I shouldn’t have expectations to start with as he was like that the whole time.)}

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