𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎? 𝚎𝚜𝚝. 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟺-𝟸-𝟷𝟺
#alpha ajklhdskjashdha stalked awawawawa he mad awawawa Im not sending him diaries to read again because im freaking scared fuck disorganised attachment fuck this shit aaaaa!!!!! frustrated i really like him though aaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#alpha wholesome therapy. I asked alpha why he wanted to become a psychologist. (I was half expecting him to either be because of his narcissism or wanting to manipulate people)
Well He applied for 5 med schools in UCAS, and an extra choice in Psychology because he kinda had interest in it and then he didn't have offer for any of the med schools so he went to study psychology
he didn't really “study” during that three years of uni (I expected that lol) after graduating he did a mature entry exam for med school, but unfortunately there is an exam on current events in UK, and he didn't know what it was about, so he flopped that, and didn't get in again so he continued on his career in psychology
That time he wasn't really passionate about clinical psyc but still went to work in a autistic children center. And he'll chitchat with their parents when the sessions are over. He was interested in how different people perceive and experience their suffering in life. (I feel like he's some kind of bard wandering around but not for spreading gospels but to collect stories from various paths of life)
And his interest for clinical psyc grew and he got doctorate and masters degree in clin psy
I felt so pity for him brooooo but in a way I think he is making up for his past regrets by working here in med school :)
So now I acquired another story of Alpha. :) I am getting to know him as a person.
a couple of days ago I was complaining in my diary about his sign at the door which said “I don't need therapy!”
I wrote a paragraph about all the things I don't like about him. He commented can we talk about that next time?
So during therapy I initiated this topic. But I wanted to get it done and tried very hard to divert the topic. He got a new blahaj in his room too, I was hugging and clinging on it and used it to hide my face hahah
“I have another topic in mind, can we switch?” “No we just started on this” * after a while * “I came up with two new topics now! They are very interesting I wanted to share !! Can we switch topics??” “Nah your primary reason is not to share the topics, I can see you're just avoiding lol” “noooooooooaaahhhhhhh” * hid my face into blahaj because I was getting called out * “I have one new topic again !!” “We have to finish this topic this session before moving on to other topics” “Aaaaaaaaaaa”
So turned out he went travelling to Taiwan and he got this sign from a camping store. It actually came in a set. One is “I don't need therapy” the other is “because I can go camping” But he only bought the first sentence and because he believes his work is analysis and he was doing psychoanalysis instead of therapy. He doesn't think he is a therapist, it is just how people call them. He is a psychologist. Therefore it wasn't “therapy”.
I was like “bro your sign is so misleading...!! I felt so unwelcomed :((” He was like “I like saying the first half of the sentence and leave it hanging :DD” Me: “huhhhhhh you are “playing” with me >:ooo haiyahh” He SMIRKED “>:D hahah” “But well mould is growing on the sign so I'll have to throw it away soon anyways”
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Ok this further consolidate my gut feeling that he is ENTP BRooo
and when we are leaving I was looking at the signs he had on his door. First one: “Sor! Not free. Will be back at: _____ (left it blank)” “No time!” “LMAO” Second: “I don't need therapy!” (me flipping the sign once again) “Even if you flip again there is nothing behind the sign!” “Whyyyyy heyy >:000”
Anyways very amused because I like his humor Just kinda annoyed I always get tricked aaaaaaAAA but I am happy LOL
fuckkkkkkkkkkkk！！！！！！！！！Getting delulu！！！！！！
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I let alpha read the last entry about my drafted comic table of content for lux. I told him do NOT scroll down, and he didn't. Haha
He seems chill. But actually that day I thought he was slightly crossed, but I reassured myself it was just morning grogginess. I mean, we chatted some stuff and he smiled (:D not :)) in a different way- in a “realer” way. So I think he was not mad at me lol
idk at this point anymore I guess I can believe he's fine as long as he does not lash out on me lol
He looks a bit amused by my draft. But not exactly happy. He looks like a blank state. Maybe that's how all psychologists appear as, lol. He asked if I wrote the actual content, I clarified I didn't lol, but I can already visualise the story content in my brain, so I don't have a need to draw the story out either haha
He asked if I have a version of him too. I told him I didn't thought of that yet, so I didn't. I told him if he wants I can make one up too, lmao! And he looks amused again he slightly smiled LOL
eeeeeeeeekk I was a bit sad and I told him they must be scared of me. He asked what I mean by “they”. I said the team. And he asked why would them be scared of me. So essentially we repeated the convo again ahaha. I still think I am scary af lol
I remembered while I was sitting in the waiting room that day, staff walked past. One I couldn't really differentiate who was it, because the glass door was matte, but there was a bar which was clear/ glossy, conveniently at standing eye level. So I was able to look at their eyes only.
Feels like lux. But maybe it's another male therapist. But probably not. Because that therapist's room is at the basement, like alpha. Or maybe it's another female therapist who recently joined the team. But this dude moves swiftly. Doesn't feel like wearing a dress, but I can't tell. Female therapists can move swiftly too.
That person was just walking by and conveniently looking inside the room while she was walking midway. She didn't look away, but also didn't pause in her steps too. (maybe to look less suspicious/ obvious) She seems to be curious on me because her gaze is a bit inquiring? She tried to see who I am, instead of simply glancing to see if anyone's inside the room.
(And they have a common schedule webpage so they know which therapist would be having a session until when) (but probably don't know who that is) (I hope) (they discuss cases in group meetings weekly too, but I think they do not have my photo in my record.)
Omg maybe it is lux lol
And then after another minute another lady walked by. She looked inside and her eyes are smiling. It has to be the lady who's office is next to alpha's. Because she's just always smiling and it is easy to differentiate her eyes from others' lol. After looking at me (and I looked at her just like how I looked at the previous guy), she smiled and took a U-turn and left hahaaha
Idk. I'm not sure if the team is interested in me. Haha
When I was leaving and alpha was escorting me to the exit, I asked if I can go and look into Lux's room. Alpha was like, sure, and I walked silently. I looked back and saw Alpha not following me. He was just standing and leaning on the wall at the lobby, looking at me from a distance. So I asked (loudly), you aren't coming along with me? He just smiled (>:D) and said no (LOL) (bro his smile is even bigger than during therapy heh) (looks like his pet dog) (I think there's a saying which goes, the owner would look more like his dog as time goes by)
auohhasdhasdhjashjkdash
“I hope she doesn't hop out of her room suddenly, I'll be scared” I said (loudly) to him while walking.
I proceeded slowly. But I stopped in my tracks, because the door to her room was almost closed but with a gap.
So I retreated. And while I was walking back I asked loudly to him, she's the second room, right? Her door is closed :(( * insert pouting face *
Next time !
While I left the building I looked at the windows and saw the first therapy room door was “more” closed (I don't know the word to describe it), I remembered while I was walking, the door is half closed. Now it was as “almost” closed as lux's. LOOLLLL
Hilarious. They definitely heard it. The corridor was damn quiet so audible voices are very loud. And I was slightly projecting my voice for alpha to hear from the lobby.
Hmmmmmmmmmm I was kind of deliberate too. Maybe I was warning about my arrival. Or maybe I was just seeking for attention but I was kind of avoiding it too. Or else I would've whispered to alpha. hahahahahahahaha crappp
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If I have to write a web comic about lux
Title: 喜歡上上司的小不點？！高冷職業女強人x癡迷小跟班 1
Table of content: 1。我的傲嬌上司 2。咔嚓—颯爽的背影get！ 3。秘密搜查隊！忠實小跟班 4。什麼？！上司竟然是女的？！ 5。我與上司⋯做了什麼！ 6。公司酒會篇：高冷女強人駕到！ 7。先下手為強⋯！竟被壁咚了？！ 8。醉愛 · 迷離之夜♡ 9。公司秘密戀情！！ 10。小道消息⋯⋯戀愛危機！ 11。我們之間的秘密⋯還有什麼？ 12。我們是彼此的守護星☆彡 13。♡愛是無垠大地♡ 《完》（待續—請期待第二冊：番後篇！！）
第三冊：《回憶錄：中學純愛篇》 第四冊：《超高濃度！純肉漫！》（絕不錯過！） 第五冊：《異世界中對調了位置？！》 ⋯⋯
Oh yeahhhhh I can already imagine the content!
Also here would be some book comments since you need some reviews and quotes for selling the book right: “I’m quite amazed by み’s excitement and fantasy towards her!” — Alpha “Can’t wait for the second book!” — Anon “Love it!! More juicy content please!!” — DefoNotMe
Dom/T “ルクス” x Sub/Swap/H “み”
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#alpha 這是我們第21次的會面。與以往一樣，我依然還沒卸掉那個嘿嘿笑的面具。我說點有的沒的，聊起一件讓我困惑的事情。我躺在我的“專屬沙發床”上，用雙手在半空中勾勒出當時的情景。
說到興起，我轉念一想，“倒不如我直接把聊天記錄翻出來給你看吧。” 我從沙發旁起來，走向我放背包用的“普通人的座椅”。不穿鞋子直接踩著襪子在咨詢室走路真新奇。老實說，在房間裡走路已經是一件蠻特殊的經歷。一般來訪者應該都是一進房間就好好坐好“普通人的座椅”，接著開始聊天吧......大概我是個奇葩。但這應該是少數我享受作為奇葩般被對待的時候吧。被喜歡的人重視的感覺真幸福。我感覺自己很特別。
在背包裡翻到手機，便踏著小碎步回到我的“小床”。“小床”上靜靜地躺著我帶去咨詢的好夥伴，小利歐路（二八的替身）。可千萬不能把它冷落了呢。我踡縮在床上，一手抱著利歐路，一手翻著聊天記錄。
“啊，有了。”我一下子坐直了，轉身扶著靠背，望向沙發後的二八。“看！”我把手機遞給他。
他接過去，側著身子，小心翼翼地端詳著對話內容。
我把下半臉藏在椅背後，靜靜地看他閱讀。靜靜地、凝視著他的臉龐。我的注意力移到他側臉上的暗瘡。好久了，還沒好呢，怪可憐的。
他還在看我的手機。一呼一吸，我和他的臉蛋的距離只有20厘米。好近呀~快要探到他的氣息了呢！
中途的對話我不太能記起了。只記得他把手機還給了我，在電腦椅上“滑”開多一點的距離。側著身的他托著頭，對著他的前方跟我說了點什麼話。我看著他，沒有回應。我只是在默默地欣賞他的外表。雖然不是很帥，但是蠻可愛的。誰管帥不帥！喜歡就完事了。喔~多麼近距離的直視，實在是難得的機會呢。我用我的眼睛貪婪地飽嘗這場盛宴。
上幾次咨詢，依從著躺在小床而不能看二八的臉的設置，我快餓瘋了。小床雖然是特殊地位的象徵，但也有不能看臉的“懲罰”。是把雙刃劍。可是，心底裡我知道，我被寵愛著。我被寵壞了。被這無條件的、從沒獲得過的關注和愛，沐浴著。實在是太幸福了。好像死了一樣。好像夢境一樣。好像......不可能的。然而，這是真真實實發生的。超過21個小時的證據擺在眼前、小沙發床、那146657個字組成的巨集日記、我新增的夢日誌......每一寸地方都在向我證明他確實在意我這個來訪者。我開心死了。如果死的時候也是這般快樂的離開，這多麼好啊。
他說完那段話後，身體和頭都沒動。我看著他的眼眸，準備開口回答。在說話的縫隙間，他把眼睛“咕嚕”轉了過來，斜斜地看我。（好酷）
我想起我曾畫過的卡通肖像畫。擁有狗耳的他托著頭，直望前方。一副幹練的樣子。看來要補幾幀動畫，我不行了。
太A了！雖然他在我眼中還是個sub。嗯......好A的sub，終歸是sub。何嘗不是一種反差萌？
話說這次他也是有點想哽咽的聲調（明顯感覺喉嚨粗了？那種想哭的感覺誰懂），在問我問題。然後我答了。然後他比平常對話用的時間再久一點點，才繼續回覆我的話。哦哦哦哦哦哦好可愛......寶寶好可愛......想一口吃掉他的臉蛋。嗚嗚。不過我還沒哭。不知道為什麼，我只會笑。我也想哭呢，二八也想看我真實的一面（我們都知道這不是我真實的一面），可惜這麼久我還沒做得到。只有面對真的不會常見的老師我反而淚水缺堤。或者第一次（第零次）咨詢分流的電話裡，和女咨詢師大哭特哭。怎麼看到二八，我就做不到呢。
為什麼呢。
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#alpha New sofa setting. 18th. He switched the layout of his room in order to accommodate his sofa. For me.
I had a kinda terrible flashback yesterday while reading manga. I didn't know the content would be triggering for me. It was scary. I talked about it while curling up on the sofa.
I was tired. I was sad. I talked about things I haven't touched on. I talked about things I haven't planned to talk about. But it was good. Because I would not be talking behind a “prepared mask”.
I showed more of my real self today. I told this to him. He said I haven't got into the “real” part at the beginning, but later I did. I laughed. It's true.
More real me. But still not real enough. Deep down I know.
While I was talking about the thing again, his tone was becoming more and more sad. There was a point when I believe he was on the verge of crying again. But he readjusted himself and didn't. Hah,,, so cute... I wanted to sit up from the sofa to see his adorable face with pinkish misty eyes. But I know I couldn't. Because I was not supposed to look at his face. That was the reason for moving the sofa in at the first place. And I didn't have the energy to sit up anyways.
It was sad.
I am scared of letting people down. We talked about it. He apologised. But it wasn't his fault.
It was terrible, wasn't it.
While he was escorting me back to the entrance,
“Fuck the world!” He said. “That is my motto. And you should learn it too.”
And my HRV is finally... finally... back to “normal” at 39ms. It has been non-stop “overload” at 10ms for two consecutive days. Blogging really does help, huh.
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#alpha Diary for my therapist. 134k words, 247 pages and counting. Not including annotations. Not including diagrams and whatnot. Not including audio files. Not including video clips. Not including my playlists.
He read it all. He read all my entries. He felt all my emotions. He read through my annotations. He studied my self-made relationship diagrams. He looked at my drawings. He listened to my audio recordings and tried to understand, despite not knowing my family's dialect. He watched my long ass home tour video. He listened to the tunes I created and sent him.
And he remembers. Whenever I brought them up during therapy. He remembers.
Yet, it seems, there was no echo.
He finally started to answer my calling on the 205th page. And continuing since.
He participated.
He is not a glacier, after all.
He was observing for the whole time. And he finally decided it is time to take action.
We also tried new innovative ways in therapy. He took a step further. He didn't have to. Yet he did just for me. It is starting to work better. Ever so slightly.
But I didn't seem to trust him, still. I can't. I wanted to. It was painful. It sucks.
So much resilience from my subconsciousness. For what???? I am disappointed in myself.
He is just so patient. He is still waiting. I know.
It hurts.
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#alpha So cute… his eyes are kinda teary,,, first occurrence at 2nd session, and another time at 8 I believe, and 16th (last time) and 17th (today)
眼睛淚汪汪的。。。好可愛。。。寶寶你是個寶寶。。。。
So cute…… someone is crying for me…. I am valued and I am not as unimportant as I thought, as I have the ability to affect others’ mood….
He figured out I kept smiling and suppressing in front of people (bro’s a genius as always), so we marched into the empty group meeting room and moved an unused sofa chair into his room! And I get to lie on the sofa (but cant see his face) from now on, instead of sitting 45° from him. It’s working way better than expected. But now his room is crowded af LMAO for me
awwwwwww
Anways got so sleepy i kept making typos and dropping my phone. Good night!!
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#alpha 5 days have passed but I am still in such a happy mood As if light has shone through this tiny crack and my once dark room is not terrifying anymore
not sure when I will succumb into my “sad phase” again it almost feels like having a fever repeatedly I'm not sure if there is an end to this but for now, allow me to dance gracefully under this moonlight named “love”
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